Olivia Can't Find Her Jutting Ribs Sexy
by babydykecate
Summary: Femslash. OA. Warning: deals with anorexia and descriptions of past emotional abuse
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **This might be a oneshot or it could be continued. Just depends what you guys want. Cate.

**Warning:** It's kind of dark, and it deals with anorexia.

* * *

Alex's cheekbones are sticking out more than usual, Olivia thinks as she watches her girlfriend sleep. When they make love, Olivia can feel bones she couldn't before. She knows Alex is losing weight, and it worries her. Sure, she knows that most models are even skinnier; but she can't make herself find jutting ribs sexy. Don't get her wrong- no matter how skinny, sick, or injured; she will always find Alex exceptionally beautiful. It's just now, when she sees the once tight pencil skirt swing from Alex's hips; she feels a stab of pain where there used to be allure. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclamer:** Dick Wolf's an ass, because he won't let Olivia come out. Oh, and he owns the SVU characters, too.

**Pairings:** Olivia/Alex

**Warnings:** Femslash and Anorexia

**Author's Note:** Thanks everyone for the reviews. Sorry about the length in the last chapter, I was trying to see if it was worth pursing. Go to for more information about anorexia.

* * *

"Liv, you know I hate it when you when you watch me sleep," Alex grumbles, half asleep. 

"Sorry, sweetheart," replies Olivia. Olivia must have been staring at Alex for over 30 minutes. She feels like a mother, watching her child die slowly. She wants so badly to protect her, but she doesn't know how.

Trying hard not to focus on how scared she is, she wraps her arms around Alex. She wants to believe that if she just wraps her arms around Alex tightly enough, she can shield her from all the evil in the world. Nagging at her mind is the fact that Alex is a grown woman, and fiercely independent.

They doze for a few minutes, begging reality to leave them alone for a little while longer.

* * *

Alex had felt the weight of Olivia's eyes pressing on her. Even now that Olivia is simply snoozing next to her, Olivia's arms feel like dead weights crushing her. She can't seem to take a breath. She lies there for a moment, panic setting in. Finally she has to move, like a swimmer who has to break the surface. She rolls out of bed and steps onto the cold bedroom floor. 

"I'll be in the shower, Liv. Ok?"

" 'kay."

As Alex slides down the long cobalt blue silk and lace nightgown, she catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Her bloated body repulses her. She runs her hands across her stomach, critiquing the way it protrudes. Her hands reach her thighs, and they seem impossibly wide. She thinks she looks like one of those diet as in the before picture; with fat rippling from her ribs, and thighs that curve out beyond her hips.

She runs thru a checklist in her mind of the things she needs to fix, _"Let's see, I need to lose at 20-30 pounds… my stomach is really sagging, maybe 150 sit-ups would fix it… God, I hate my thighs… they jiggle when I run, and… ewww… they touch in the middle, damn it, I shouldn't have eaten that power bar for lunch, the apple would have been enough…"_

Alex turns away from the mirror in disgust, quickly entering the shower. She turns it on as hot as it can go, desperate to wash away anything and everything. As she gets out of the shower, she steals another glance in the mirror. It's still there, the excess fat she hates. She dresses quickly in her blue suit with a cream silk shirt. _"It doesn't flatter me at all," _she thinks, _"I'll never look like the girl in the ad."_

As she leaves the bathroom, the scent of coffee wakes her up. _"No cream or sugar,"_ she reminds herself. She finds Olivia in the kitchen, bustling around fixing breakfast.

"Liv, I hope you aren't making any for me, I'm having brunch with Jack," Alex lies.

"Alright," Olivia says with defeat in her voice.

"There's enough coffee for me though, right?"

"Of course, Alex."

Alex drowns the cup quickly. "Thanks Liv. See you whenever."

"I can't wait. Love you, Al."

"Love you, too," Alex says as she dashes out the door.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note:** Thank you all for your reviews. Happy Thanksgiving (all right, so it's a few hours late... oh well).

* * *

"_What am I gonna do?"_ ponders Liv as she sits at her desk doodling. _"I couldn't bear for her to pull away from me, but it's killing me to watch her wither away. If she only knew I'd love her no matter how she looked…"_ As Olivia looks down at her paper, she realizes she's drawn Alex smiling. _"Like she used to,"_ she thinks sadly.

The rest of the day Olivia is unfocused, constantly worrying about Alex. She replays in her mind days when Alex "just didn't feel like eating much" or was "too tired". _"Damn it, why did it take me so long to notice,"_ Olivia fumes. She doesn't end up seeing Alex at all during work. She hurries home, with tension coursing through her body.

When she gets home, the first thing she notices is Alex's gym bag laying on the ground. She finds Alex in their living room with all the lights off. Alex is lying on her stomach, with her feet crossed in the air. Next to her is a glass of wine and an almost empty bottle. She is so intently focused on the ballet performance on the TV; she doesn't even notice Olivia come in. Olivia just stands there, studying Alex. After 5 minutes, Alex notices Olivia's presence. Olivia expects her to be mad, like the last time she caught her staring.

"Liv, did you know I used to dance?" Alex asks without any anger in her voice.

"No, I didn't," Olivia says softy, taking a seat next to Alex on the floor.

"I started ballet when I was 5. I loved it, I really did. One of my favorite movies was _The Red Shoes_ with Moira Shearer, I must have watched it over a hundred times," Alex pauses checking to see if Olivia is listening to her.

"I remember, I dreamed of being Clara, the lead in _The Nutcracker. _But I was never good enough, never pretty enough…" Alex says quietly, tears forming in her eyes.

"Alex-" Olivia starts.

"No, I wasn't. I remember when we were lined up and given parts; I always ended up playing a boy. I wasn't skinny enough, you see. The oldest girls never weighed more than 110, no matter how tall… In class the teacher would come around and say how much weight each girl needed to lose. You had to be light so the guys could lift you easily, and so you had a pretty silhouette."

"But Alex, that's too skinny."

"No, that's perfect," Alex says fiercely as she turns her head away.

It pushes Olivia over the edge. She turns Alex to face her, her hands cupping Alex's face. "You. Are. Perfect. You _can_ weight more than 110 pounds and be perfect."

Alex is sobbing quietly, and biting her lip, "I'm not perfect, not at all." At that, Alex wrenches herself out of Olivia's arms and runs to the bathroom. Olivia hears the lock click.

"Shit," mutters Olivia. She heads to the bathroom, trying to think how she can fix this.

"Alex? Honey, please open the door. I'm sorry, Al… I just love you so much. Please open the door… Al?"

After 10 more minutes of pleading, Olivia gives up, slumping down next to the door. Olivia doesn't know how long she lay there before Alex opens the door. Alex's beautiful face is red from crying, dried tears running across her checks.

"Alex," Olivia says, as she hugs her tightly. Alex quivers in Olivia's arms, as Olivia gently brushes the hair from her face. Olivia guides Alex to the bed, carefully laying Alex down next to her.

"Olivia, I'm not some broken toy you can fix."

"I can't give up on you, Al. I just can't…"

Alex is too worn out to respond. They are both so exhausted that sleep finds them easily, with Alex cradled in Olivia's arms.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** Thank goodness this site is working again. Thanks for all your awesome reviews. Cate.

* * *

The rising sun filters in through the bedroom they decorated together. Olivia reaches across the bed to enfold Alex in her arms, but her hand only finds a barely warm sheet where Alex used to be. Alex must have already left on her run.

"Alright, today I will confront Alex about her eating," Olivia thinks, steeling herself for Alex's denial.

Olivia doesn't want to get out of bed, she wants to cuddle Alex. She wants to stay in the world where it is only their love and nothing else. But she can't, because Alex isn't here. She sighs, quickly pulling off the covers and running to the bathroom; trying to avoid the cold of morning.

When she gets out of the shower, she finds a note and an empty coffee pot.

"_Liv, sorry we missed each other. I'll be at the precinct at 2 to discuss the upcoming trial. Love you always, Alex."_

"Love you always too, Al," Olivia says softly.

* * *

At work, Olivia is counting down the minutes until Alex comes. As she sees a flash of blonde and hears the click of heels, she smiles to herself.

"Hey Alex. How's everything going?"

"As well as can be expected, how are you?"

"Good, thanks."

"Alright Alex, How is Anya's trial prep coming?" Cragen asks as he joins them.

"Fairly well. She's still in a lot of shock, but she's doing well considering. I think she'll be ready by the trial. Olivia, want to review the facts?"

"Anya Denisovich, 15, sexually assaulted by her boyfriend Adam, 17. DNA evidence was a match to him. Her statement seems strong enough, though the defense will obliviously try to argue it was consensual. Anything I've forgotten, Alex... Alex? Alex?" Olivia's voice becomes slightly panicked.

Alex's head is slumped on Olivia's desk, her eyes closed. Her breathing is slower and more strained, Olivia notes with concern.

"Alex?" Olivia tries again. Alex's head finally shoots up, her expression slightly confused.

"Yes? Sorry, just a little tried."

"We've all been there," Cragen says with a chuckle.

"You sure you're ok?" Olivia asks.

"Yes, I'm fine, Olivia. Really," Alex replies with a reassuring smile. "Where were we?"

"Anything else about Anya you've learned in the trial prep?" helps Cragen.

"Anya said something about her mother… that her mother was very critical of her. She said she dated Adam to get away from her mother," Alex says hesitantly.

"Do you think there is abuse from the mother?" asks Olivia.

"I don't know, she just kept saying how her mother always put her down, made her feel worthless," replies Alex.

"Ok Alex, I'll check it out," Olivia says. Olivia notes something odd about Alex's voice, but she pushes the thought aside.

"Thanks... Everything sounds good. I'll talk to you both more tomorrow," Alex says as she gets up from the chair. Alex is a foot away from Olivia when she loses consciousness. Luckily, Olivia manages to catch her.

"Alex!" Olivia cries out. She gently lies Alex down and signals for Cragen to call Huang over. "Alex? Can you wake up for me, honey? Please, Al?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note:** Ok folks, the only medical knowledge I have comes from ER (the TV show) and wikpedia. Love all your reviews, Cate.

* * *

"Alex?" Olivia cries softly, as Huang gently pulls Olivia away from Alex so he can examine her. Cragen helps Olivia onto a chair and goes to help Huang.

"Don, Can you help me elevate her feet?"

"Ok, what else?"

"How is her pulse?"

"Little slower than normal, but still strong-" He is interrupted by Alex's slight movement. A second later she opens her eyes.

"Alex? How are you feeling Alex?" Huang asks.

"A little dizzy, there are fuzzy dots everywhere…" She replies with a slight fear in her voice.

"That's normal Alex, you fainted. When was the last time you had something to eat or drink?" asks Huang.

"_Talk about hitting the nail on the head,"_ Olivia thinks.

"I'm not sure… I've had some coffee… maybe breakfast…" Alex replies vaguely.

"Let's get her some juice and crackers or something close, alright?" Huang recommends. After a few minutes, Don comes back with juice and a donut.

"Here, Alex." Alex takes a few small sips and puts down the cup.

"How about a little more?" Huang asks.

"I don't really feel like it, it's kind of making me sick," Alex says.

"Please? We need to get your blood sugar up," Huang replies. Alex forces down another few sips, leaving the donut untouched.

"Great Alex… how about we give you a little space now, ok?"

"Thank you for everything Huang."

"Of course, Alex. Drink plenty of water, ok?" Huang says with a soft smile. As he exits, he whispers to Olivia, "Keep an eye on her, ok?" to which she nods.

"Hey Alex, what to go upstairs to the couch?" Olivia asks.

"Alright," Alex says; her voice still not back to its previous strength.

Alex sprawls on the couch, as Olivia sets on nearby chair.

"Alex, we need to talk," Olivia say seriously, "I don't want to push you, but I'm worried."

"I'm sorry… Liv, remember what I said about Anya's mom?" Alex says hesitantly.

"Ya?"

"My mother… she was kind of like that."

"How?"

"She always went on about how I wasn't perfect. You know, I wasn't very pretty… I wasn't compassionate enough; I wasn't kind enough; I didn't behave… she said I was a huge disappointment. When I just dated guys it was hell, but it was tolerable… She'd say the outfit I was wearing made me look like a hooker… That I couldn't date this guy or that… But when I came out, everything got so much worse. Now, there was no way I could ever be perfect. Her dream of the extravagant wedding, and the handsome husband and all the kids that would follow… gone," the words flood from Alex, like when you hold your breath underwater and when you come up you can't seem to get enough air.

"But Alex, she was wrong," Olivia says, half victim voice, half girlfriend voice.

"Was she? Hiding a relationship that is just as meaningful as a marriage- from everyone you work with is perfect? Being hated by strangers just because your love looks different is perfect? I can't make your medical and legal decisions for you as easily or fully as I could if I were your wife. My children wouldn't automatically yours. You'd have to ADOPT them, when you'd be every bit their mother as I would. It isn't perfect. And I AM NOT perfect either, because I a fucking LESBIAN. I'm a pervert, a sinner, an outcast… or hadn't you noticed, Liv?" Alex says almost hyperventilating in repressed anger. "I'm not fucking PERFECT, and that's the only thing that could ever make my mother happy."

Olivia had rarely seen Alex curse, and that was only on the worse of cases. It was shocking, but it clarified how important this was to Alex.

"Alex, honey, I am so sorry that everything is like that for you," Olivia then realizes that Alex doesn't seem to be getting enough air, "Al, I need you to calm down and take deep breaths with me… Good, now focus on my voice, ok? You're doing great Al… I promise everything is going to be ok…"

"Really?" Alex manages to rasp.

"Al, I will do everything in my power to make everything ok. I love you so much; I'd do anything to protect you," Olivia says, her voice strong despite the tears running down her face.

"Thank you, Liv," Alex says as Olivia takes her in her arms, her fragile body protected in Olivia's strong arms. "I love you always," she says with a delicate smile.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: **Thanks for all the reviews. Cate.

* * *

They are still sitting on the sofa; Alex clinging to Olivia, as if to let go would ensure drowning. She keeps her head turned away, however.

"Alex, you've got to get some help for this. Please?"

"Liv, I can handle this. I'm fine."

"Do you know what it feels like to watch you struggle? Do you know what it feels like to know most of what you do won't make a damn bit of difference?"

"Liv-"

"It feels like I'm dying with you. That's what it feels like."

"Really? It hurts you?" Alex asks, her face crumpling.

"Yes, Al. I care about you. More than I've ever cared about anyone."

"Ok."

"About what?"

"I'll do what you want, alright?" Alex's voice soft, breaking in parts, yet there is still a small amount of anger.

"Thank you Al. I'll be here every step of the way."

* * *

Today was Alex's first appointment with a psychologist, and she was really testy.

"Liv, I told you to pick my shirt up from drycleaners, where the fuck is it?"

"Al, it wasn't ready."

"Why the hell not?"

"Al-" Olivia sighed.

"Don't you dare say I'm just tried, leave me alone," Alex says as she slams the door. Olivia wonders if this is what Alex was like as a teenager. Her image of a really pissed 17 year old Alex is cut short by a shrill scream from Alex:

"DAMN IT."

"What?"

"I can't find my damn shoes."

"They are by the front door Al," Olivia says, resisting the urge to add _"where you left them"_.

Alex storms out, grabs them and slams the bedroom door again. 10 minutes later she appears, fully dressed, but no calmer.

"Let's go," she orders, "Now."

* * *

They sit in the doctor's office, Alex flipping through the magazines at a breakneck speed. Olivia surveys the room, while always keeping an eye on Alex.

"Alex Cabot?" a nurse calls out.

"That's us," Olivia says, trying to put on a brief smile. She practically has to pull Alex with her. The nurse leads them down to corridor. The therapist's room is rather bare. Degrees hang on the wall, the shelves are filled with books, but the room still feels empty. The walls are plain white and sky is gray and cloudy though the window. The chairs look comfy enough, which Olivia is sure wouldn't be her impression after the next half hour. The therapist herself is tall, with wiry gray black hair, and steel blue eyes that seem to pierce.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Deidre Malaci. Nice to meet you Alex," she says as she shakes Alex's hand, "And you must be Olivia."

"Yes. Nice to meet you," Olivia replies.

"Have a seat wherever you like," She says, indicating the two chairs and sofa. Olivia sits in the middle of the sofa, expecting Alex to join her. Instead, Alex perches on a chair. She tilts her body to the wall, her body closely enfolded, as if to be as inconspicuous as possible.

"Olivia, said you might need some help keeping a healthy weight?" she asks Alex.

"Something like that."

"And how about exactly?"

"Liv thinks I'm too skinny."

"What do you think?"

There is silence for two minutes at least.

"I could stand to lose more weight."

"And how much do you weight?"

"A lady doesn't…"

"Alex-"

"I don't know."

"Don't you weight yourself constantly?"

More silence. "Maybe."

"Alex-"

"I think 120."

"Alex-"

"104.5"

"Thank you… You know that's too low, right?"

Silence.

"Ok, Alex. Tell you what… I want you to keep track of what you eat this week, and next week we'll look at it, ok? In the mean time, I want you to try to eat at least three meals a day."

Silence.

"Damn it Al, answer her," Olivia says, her annoyance covering up her shock at Alex's weight.

"Fine, alright. Fine."

"Is that a yes Alex?" asks Dr. Malaci.

"Yes, happy?"

"We'll have to see about that Alex. Time's up. See you next week."

"Bye," Alex says shortly as she quickly exits.

"Thanks, Doctor. I hope you can help her."

"I hope so too, Olivia. Take care."

"Thanks, bye."

Olivia finds Alex waiting impatiently waiting for her near the car. As they drive home, neither of them thinks it would be a wise idea to talk.


	7. Chapter 7

Olivia had thought about the meal all day. She had tried to remember Alex's favorite foods, but after some thought, she realized you couldn't make much out of chocolate, peppermints and coffee. She'd made a salad, reasoning that if it was fairly light and low fat Alex might find it easier to eat. It sat there in front of them, Olivia's almost gone and Alex's untouched.

"Al, she said you needed to eat two meals."

Alex doesn't respond, she just continues her 3rd glass of water calmly.

"Alex, I'm getting tired of this. I made this specially, now eat."

"No," Alex says firmly, shoving her chair out loudly. The table shakes and moves slightly towards Olivia.

"Sit. Now," Olivia demands.

"No, damn it," Alex says as she storms off the bathroom, "Leave me alone."

Olivia is getting tired of being on the other side of the door, but she knows yelling or pleading won't get her anywhere. Olivia does the only thing she can think of. She cries. Not to get Alex to come out. Just because it's all that's left.

* * *

"Liv?" Alex says hesitantly as she opens the door. Olivia is so lost in her exhaustion and desperation that she isn't aware of Alex's entrance. "Liv?" Alex asks again, her voice full of disbelief and horror. She kneels before Olivia, gently putting her hands on Olivia's knees. Olivia jerks toward her at the contact. "I'm so sorry, Liv," She says as tears well up in her eyes.

"I know, sweetie. I know," Olivia says as she takes Alex in her arms. "Shussh, it's okay, it's okay," Olivia says in a mother voice as Alex trembles in her arms. "I know it's hard, baby, you just gotta try."

"It-t's-"

"Shussh, you can tell me later. It's okay Al. I promise." Olivia helps Alex shed all her outer layers, until she's only in a bra, undershirt and panties. Olivia quickly does the same. Then she pulls Alex under the sheets, pulling her against her until Alex is hugged tightly against Olivia. Olivia's warm skin surrounds Alex, reminding her that she is there. Olivia thinks at first that Alex has fallen asleep as her breathing calms, their chests rising as one.

"Liv?"

"Ya, Al?"

"It feels good when I don't eat."

"Ya?"

"Ya, I feel like I'm in control, like I am powerful. I almost feel like I'm accomplishing something."

"That's what it feels like?"

"Uh huh. I mean there's this voice in the back of your mind that says maybe you should eat. You kind of worry a bit. But it feels so good, and you kind of like disobeying the voice… And then the guilt is gone."

"The guilt?"

"The one that comes after you eat. You think you ate too much. Or maybe it was too fattening. It's always on your mind. You think about how your body is going to swell afterwards, how your tights will stick out even more. And you have this image in your mind. Of this perfect you. You sort of know that she's never existed, but she's so skinny with the defined waist and the tights that don't touch… So you keep trying to find her in you, every time you don't eat you're a step closer."

"Alex, I need you to know what I don't want you to be perfect."

"But that's not what the voice says. It says people will love you, care for you, if you just lose that weight."

"Alex. I can't make your mother take care of that little girl; but I love you with all my being, and it has nothing to do with how much you weight."

"Maybe one day I'll believe that."

"I'll keep telling you that until you do."

"Thank you Liv."

"Just stay in my arms. That's all I ask."


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: **Thank you for all the lovely reviews. Cate.

* * *

Things had been going well. Alex had been eating more, even gaining 5 pounds. But she had a nightmare this morning. She didn't tell Olivia. She doesn't know why, she just didn't. Instead, she lay in bed shaking. She stared at the ceiling, willing herself to be quiet. Memories and thoughts flashed before her, and she felt like she was drowning again. She couldn't go back to sleep, afraid to go back into a world she had even less control of. 

Now she's sitting in the living room, staring at the doorway to the kitchen. She has almost finished the wine she poured herself. She came home after she gave up on work. She didn't feel like she was fully in this world. She had told Jack she was feeling really ill, so he had let her go home. She's getting the chills now, her thin frame quivering slightly. She can feel the waves of nausea washing over her. It used to be such a familiar feeling- When she waited too long to eat, it was impossible, she felt like she'd be sick if she ate. She thinks maybe she should eat.

Worries gnaw at her- like that she might pass out. She thinks how disappointed Olivia would if she found her like that. Alex can't handle Olivia being disappointed in her. She couldn't handle Olivia having the same feelings as her mother. She drinks as much water as she can, reasoning she needs to keep hydrated. She then decides to go to bed. Even though she may have to drink a bit more before she can sleep, at least if she passes out Olivia won't know. She finishes her second glass and settles into the fluffy bed, praying that she won't have any dreams, any thoughts at all.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note:** Jack is Assistant District Attorney Jack McCoy. For the meaning of Alex's dream check out my forum, Babydykecate's Images for her SVU Fanfic. Thanks again for all the fab reviews. Cate.

* * *

Olivia tries to open the door quietly—it's 1 am and she doesn't want to wake Alex. As she puts down her keys and wallet, she catches a glance of Alex's shoes lying haphazardly on the living room floor. She worries, because Alex is always so tidy. She goes to their bedroom, to find Alex sprawled across the bed, fully dressed in her work clothes. She weights whether it would be better to wake Alex or let her sleep.

"Al, honey?" Olivia asks as she brushes the hair out of Alex's face. Alex stirs, but does not wake. Olivia gently shakes her, "Alex? Can you wake up for me?"

"Liv?" asks a barely wake Alex.

"Ya, sweetheart, it's me. How are you feeling? Are you ok?"

Alex realizes now is the time to follow through on the lie, "I wasn't feeling too great today, so Jack let me come home early."

"What time did you go to bed?"

"I don't know… maybe 3… or 4?"

"Why don't you get up for a little while with me?" Olivia helps Alex out of bed, carefully supporting almost all of Alex's weight (which is far too easy a task). She notes that Alex is shivering, her thin body looking as if it is really to shatter. "Al? Why don't you put one of my NYPD sweatshirts?"

"Yes, that would be good… I'm a little cold," Ales replies with a faint smile.

Olivia helps Alex into one of her oversized sweatshirts. She grabs a blanket from the bed and guides Alex to the sofa.

"Can your stomach handle a little soup?"

Alex can't bear to deny Olivia's concerned, helpful look. "Okay, just a little."

After making sure the blanket covers Alex from neck to toe, Olivia goes to the kitchen to heat up some soup.

Olivia comes out a few minutes later carrying a tray with soup, sparkling grape juice, and a napkin. As Olivia sets it down on the coffee table, Alex gives her a quizzical look.

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

"You mean your mother didn't do this for you? (Alex shakes her head and Olivia sighs) Mine neither. Some people can't become their mothers, Al. Sometimes we have to be all the things our mothers weren't."

"Liv, I need to tell you… I haven't eaten anything today and…"

"Shusshh…" Olivia says as she gently lifts Alex up and slides under her. She helps to support Alex into a semi-sitting position. "Just take a sip for me. We'll just start there, okay?"

Alex kisses Olivia softly on the cheek and takes a sip of the soup. After all most half the soup is gone, Alex is snuggles against Olivia, her body slowly relaxing into Olivia's. They lay there for a few minutes, and then Alex begins to fidget.

"Al, what is it? What's wrong?"

"I felt bad today because of a dream I had," she say hesitantly, with fear in her voice.

"A nightmare? (Alex nods) What was it about?"

"I was in the middle of an ocean, and it was so dark…"Alex's voice is shaky and forced. "I saw light coming from above, so I tried to swim to the water's surface. I couldn't swim any higher though. So I looked down, and I saw that there was chain leading to a weight on my ankle. I started to try to get it off, but a tidal wave came and threw me around. And then there was this red billowing silk cape. It swirled around me as my wrists and ankles were suddenly bound with rope. Claws came from under the cape and scraped at my skin. I started panicking, my entire body trying to fight her. There was this taunting voice, a woman's, that kept telling me how it was useless to struggle." Alex's eyes dart around, her mind reliving the dream. "After what seemed like hours, I gave up. I gave up, Liv, I resigned myself to drowning. I even took a deep breath of water, making my lungs choke and cough. I took one last look at the ocean's surface and allowed myself to die. That was when I woke up." Alex's face crumples as she says "allowed".

"Alex," Olivia says softy, brushing away one of Alex's tears, "She can't hurt you anymore. I won't let her."

"What about me? What if I take a breath?"

"Then I'll be here. I'll pull you to the surface. I won't let you go without a struggle," replies Olivia, her voice strong and emotional.

"You really mean that?"

"With all my heart."


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note:** Thank you for all your wonderful reviews. I'm sorry about the delay in an update, my muse has been sneaking off a lot. Thank you to mon ange, Kerry. Je t'aime. Cate.

* * *

Olivia doesn't know when Alex fell asleep against her, but she does notice when the cold that sweeps over her as Alex gets up. Olivia is barely awake. She calls out softly for Alex, but she isn't awake enough to stop her. Olivia is exhausted, but her heart races as she thinks of Alex. She wills herself to adjust to the cold and not seek comfort in the warmth of dozing. Her concern for Alex wins out as she puts of her energy into pushing herself off the couch. Olivia stumbles around the apartment searching for Alex. At first she mistakes the muffled, stilted sobs for the puppy next door (not because she doesn't recognize Alex's cries… more that she doesn't **want** them to be Alex's). As she nears the bathroom door though, there is no doubt left in her mind. 

Olivia places her hand gently on the bathroom door, "Al? What is it baby? What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry. You helped, you really did…" She says, her voice garbled by sobs and deep breaths.

"What is it baby?" Olivia asks again.

"The memories. They're all flooding back…"

Olivia rubs her forehead, vaguely wondering why crises never happen during sane hours. "Why do you always run to bathrooms Al?"

"It's safe," Alex says, her voice fragile and breaking.

"Why is it safe baby?"

"There are locks…. and there's water… and you can turn off all the lights… and no one else is there…" replies Alex, every thought in the sentence so firm despite her trembling voice.

"What if there where someone else there?… someone who wouldn't hurt you, wouldn't yell at you… someone who thought that you were perfect no matter what. Could they be there with you?"

Alex opens the door a sliver, "But people aren't really like that- they may say lovely things- but they break them."

"This person… she would try so hard to be all those things you need. She would be devastated if she ever hurt you, even on accident."

"Really?" asks Alex, her face crumples as she opens the door all the way.

"Yes Al," Olivia tells Alex as she holds her close, "She loves you more than anything. You're her whole world."

Alex snuggles her head into Olivia's neck as Olivia stokes her hair. After a few minutes, Olivia asks, "Al? Do you want to go to bed, or stay in the bathroom?"

Alex looks up at her with questioning eyes, "Do you think we could pile all the blankets and pillows in the bathroom and sleep here?"

"Of course baby," Olivia says before going back to the bedroom to retrieve the blankets. "Where do you want them?" Olivia asks, her arms overflowing with blankets.

"I always made a nest curved around the vent. Sometimes I put a blanket over the vent to funnel the air."

"When you were little?" Olivia asks as she sets down the blankets.

"Umhmm… You know how I think the bathroom thing got started?"

"How baby?"

"When I was a toddler, I was daddy's girl. Every morning he would take a shower, and I would wait for him outside in the bathroom. Well it would be wonderfully warm even on the coldest of days, and I'd still be sleepy, so I'd curl up in my father's bathrobe around the vent and fall asleep…" Alex finishes with a half smile.

"Awww, that's adorable Al," Olivia says as she takes Alex in her arms and pulls them both down against the blankets. "Then tonight you are safe, especially here in my arms. Tomorrow we can talk about why you needed locks… but tonight you're just safe."

And for once, Alex thinks she really is.


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note: **Thank you all so much for your reviews, you guys give me the motivation to push myself to write more. My muse is still fickle, but I'll keep tickling her until she lets me write. S2 Cate.

* * *

As Alex fluttered her eyes, dragging her self from sleep, fingers blushed her forehead. She opens her eyes to find Olivia brushing her hair away from her face. 

"I love you always Al," Olivia whispers softly as she kisses Alex's forehead.

Alex gives her a soft smile, "I love you always too Liv."

Olivia cradles Alex in her arms, pulling her into her lap. She kisses Alex's shoulder and asks quietly, "Feel like talking?"

"'bout locks?" Alex asks, her voice changing to a child-like timbre.

"Umhmm," Olivia replies gently, taking care not to push.

Alex starts playing with Olivia's hand, trying to distract her self. "Mmmkay," Alex mumbles into Olivia's chest as she turns her head into her.

Olivia takes her free hand and gently turns Alex's head toward her, "Hey, it's okay… remember? We're here, in the bathroom… and you're in my arms. You're safe."

Alex smiles, and tears up slightly, while Olivia holds her closer.

"Why did you go into bathrooms?" Olivia prompts.

Alex shuts her eyes. "Yelling."

"Who?"

"Mummy and Daddy."

"Are they fighting?"

"Umhmm."

"About what?"

"Does it matter? It's always something… money…or he can home late…or something broke… or me…" As Alex says "me", she starts trembling.

Olivia holds her closer.

"So I run from bed to the bathroom…"

"And lock the door?"

"Umhmm."

"Anything else?"

"I turn off the lights."

"Umhmm."

"And sometimes I turn on the water… but I can still hear them."

"What do you do then?"

"I take the blankets I took from my room and lie on the floor and cover myself with them. All the way over my head. I hold them over my ears, but it's still so loud… it's just pounding in my head… and the floor reverberates the argument against the ear that's pressed to it… and soon I'm crying. Not crying the way I would when I really needed someone… someone to care… to hold me… no, not those loud, gasping… screaming cries… No these are sobs… silent, muffled, stifled sobs…" Alex says as tears start to pour down her face and her body trembles more violently.

"Hey… hey baby…" Olivia turns Alex in her arms, so she can face her. "Al, you can cry… you can cry as loud as want. I won't think any less of you… in fact, it makes me realize how much I love you… want to protect you, take that pain away."

So Alex sobs… the kind that are almost like screams… the ones like when she needed somebody and no one came… and it's really nice to have Olivia here holding her. She's still afraid… afraid that Olivia will leave her… or worse, hurt her… afraid that she's just not strong enough… but she's in Olivia's arms, so the fear doesn't stay as long now. Safe. To her that is the most important thing in the world. That… and Liv.


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's Note:** I'm very sorry for long delay. Cate.

* * *

She's not sure when she first noticed it… the tired look in Olivia's eyes… the sigh that Olivia thinks is inaudible. Now, it's all Alex can think of. Olivia is good and patient and kind to Alex, no matter how late at night, or how grumpy Alex is. But Alex sees the toll it's taking on Olivia. She can't stand to keep hurting Olivia. Can't stand to know she's caused the sadness in Olivia's eyes. She feels like she's become her mother- that they way her mother hurt her is the same thing she's doing to Olivia. So she does the only thing she can think to do. She starts packing. She becomes more and more distressed as she throws things into her bag. 

In that moment, she hates herself more than she ever did for being fat. She's sure she deserves everything bad that's ever happened to her, because she is a truly horrible person. She hurt Olivia…made Olivia take care of her… needed her too much.

As she finishes packing and heads for the door, she pauses. Olivia deserves a note. She can't have her worrying. Olivia doesn't deserve to have to worry about her. Her hand is shaking as she takes the pen. It feels as if she's writing a suicide note. "_Dear," _she starts, and then crosses it out. 'Dear' is too formal, it fails to express the intimacy… the love she feels for Olivia. _"Olivia, my love," _she writes as a tear forms in her eye. _"I've left today, and I'm not coming back. It's not that I'm leaving you… that I don't love you… I will never stop loving you," _she writes as she begins to cry harder.

"_I just can't bear to keep hurting you with the weight of my problems. Please don't try and look for me. I love you Olivia. More than I thought I was capable of. Thank you so much for everything my angel. _

_Love you always,_

_Alex"_

As she signs her name, she has this wave of fear. She wishes she could stay forever in Olivia's safe arms. She bites her lip, and tries to pull herself together as she leaves the apartment and locks the door.


	13. Chapter 13

Every muscle in Olivia's body feels on fire. Her back aches from chasing a perp earlier in the day. She reasons that throwing her body over the fence rather than going the two feet around it seemed like a much better idea at the time. Her head is pounding from exhaustion. Alex hasn't let her sleep much in the past week- but she'd never blame Alex for her exhaustion.

As she forces her weary body up the apartment building's stairs, it's the thought of Alex that keeps her going. All she wants to do is hug Alex. She prays that Alex is doing better today. She dreams of a day when Alex smiles with that amazingly radiant grin. As the pain gets worse, she focuses on all the ways she could make Alex smile. A surprise gift… maybe flowers… twirling her to soft jazz in a candlelit living room… telling her a joke she can't help but laugh at… oh to hear that laugh… so elegant and ladylike until she looses control of it… then it's free and full… Olivia finds herself smiling softly at the very thought.

She finally reaches her door, and forces the key into the lock. As she opens the door, the apartment is filled with a stillness that scares her a bit. She brushes the thought away- surely it's just her exhaustion and a policeman's wariness. She turns on a lamp that won't flood the apartment with light so she won't wake Alex up. Just as she's laying her leather jacket on the chair, she sees the note. Suddenly her whole body is coursing with fear. She's wide awake and terrified by the thoughts in her head. Alex wouldn't…. please God don't let her have…

Olivia runs around the apartment, scouring her inch for Alex. "ALEX! AL?" She calls out desperately, "HONEY? Are you there? Are you ok? AL?" Her voice is breaking, and now she prays under her breath, "Oh God. Please, please let her be ok. I love her so much. She's all I have."

She finally takes the note and ties to stop her hands from shaking long enough to read it.

She holds her breath as she reads the note. She lets go of the breath. Gone. Alex is gone. Damn it. How could she think it was better this way? How could she think Olivia didn't want her around? If only she could just have Alex in her arms right now.

Olivia grabs her cell. "Hello?" asks a half-asleep Elliot.

"El, she's gone."

"What?"

"Al. She left. I don't know where she went… I don't… I don't know if she's safe… or…" Olivia replies. The fear in her voice, along with her speed, make her sound almost child-like.

"Liv calm down! What happened?"

"She just left this note…"

"Okay. Olivia? I'll be over as soon as I can. Stay where you are. We'll find her, Liv."

"We have to."

"I know Liv. We will. See you soon."

Olivia just drops the phone rather than hanging it up. As all the panic, fear, and exhaustion take their toll on Olivia, she starts to cry. She curls up on the living room rug, crying and shaking. Because that's all there's left to do.


	14. Chapter 14

**Author's Note:** Thanks again for all your great reviews :) Cate.

* * *

So many thoughts are going through Alex's head, yet not one is coherent. Fear, anger… the sound of Olivia crying on the side of the door and feeling so helpless… the cold floor of the bathroom in her childhood home… the sound of the water rushing in the pipes… she had always loved the sound of water… rain... she can almost feel it now… she remembers sleeping with windows open on a warm spring night, falling asleep to the sound of the rain… she remembers putting her ears under the water while taking a bath, listening to the tub filling with water… sometimes she'd slide her body around the tub, eyes closed, water covering all but her face and pretending she was a mermaid… she remembers pretending she was so many things so she didn't have to be herself… she remembers wishing that movies never ended… she remembers how she used to run barefoot in the rain… she'd run so hard, focus on every sensation… she'd tried every way she could think of to escape from her life… but she couldn't… so rain would have to do. 

Finally she notices that it's actually raining right now. It would calm her down, except it only makes it clearer than she has no idea where she's running _to_. She realizes she didn't pack a lot of practical things... like her wallet. She feels like the kid who gets pissed at her mom, packs a bag, and walks as far as her 5 year old legs will take her. The kid who finally realizes they can't run away.

So she just starts walking, mostly because she's tired of the people staring at her. She doesn't know where she's walking; just that she has to keep moving.

……………..

"Damn it El, what do I do? I have to find her!" Olivia shouts as she paces angrily.

"Olivia, please calm down. We need to call Capt. and tell him what's happened."

"But I need to protect her! I need to keep her safe. What… What if she's hurt? Or if… if some guy out there tries to…" Olivia's shouting breaks to a terrified whisper.

"Liv!" Elliot demands as he holds her face between his hands and looks in her eyes, "We'll find her. Right now I need you to calm down and start thinking of places she might have gone."

He can feel all the anger in Olivia's body give way to the fear. He holds her as she starts shaking. He's well aware if he ever told another living soul that she let him hold her, she'd kill him many times over. He never would tell- it hurts him too deeply to see the woman he most respects so broken.


	15. Chapter 15

Alex has stopped noticing which buildings she passes as she continues walking aimlessly. She remembers a while ago passing the sushi restaurant where Olivia and she went on their first actual date. But after she brushed against a woman who wore the same perfume as Olivia, she stopped noticing anything except the rain.

Alexandra is soaked from head to toe, and the small bag she packed earlier is slowing her down. Raindrops run into her eyes and the rain is so hard that Alex struggles to keep moving. She's exhausted to point of feeling faint. She wishes she could say that she feels numb. She wishes that she didn't feel the sharp pain in her gut, throbbing with every thought of Olivia. She keeps trying to convince herself that she did the right thing, that this is what's best for Olivia.

But her mind is cruel. It replays all the moments she felt happiest with Olivia… the moments of safety… the moments of love. She loves Olivia, with every fiber of her being. She is certain that the love she feels for Olivia is the strongest love she could possibly feel. She wishes they could have a storybook love, for that is what Olivia deserves. She misses Olivia so terribly… misses her smell, the warmth of her skin, her arms, her voice… if only she could have Olivia without ever hurting her. She knows that she can't be what Olivia deserves, so she has to leave, and let someone else who deserves her take her place. She gasps, letting herself finally take a deep breath. As she gasps for air, she starts to cry. She cries angry, hot tears. She starts to feel a chill, goose bumps spreading along her body. She's not sure if it's from not eating or the cold rain. She feels more and more nauseous, and she searches for something to lean against.

Just as she starts to slide down the wall, she hears "ALEX!".


	16. Chapter 16

**Author's Note:** It is highly possible that the medical aspects of this chapter are incorrect. I looked up everything online, but you know accurate the internet is. Thanks to all my loyal readers, especially for putting up with the long waits for updates. I plan to have the final chap, an epilogue of sorts, up in a few days. Cate.

* * *

"ALEX!" Olivia cries out as lunges to catch Alex. She lifts Alex's pale, soaked, tiny body into her arms. 

As she carries Alex in her arms, she whispers, "Everything's ok now love. I'm never gonna let you out of my sight again. You belong in my arms."

Alex's eyes flutter. She can only manage a soft rasp, "Liv- I love you... so, so much." A tear slips down her cheek. "Baby… I'm so sorr-"

"Shushh, shhh" Olivia cuts her off with a soothing shushing. "I love you too, Al," She whispers, then kisses the top of Alex's forehead. Alex shivers, and it scares Olivia a bit. She pulls her closer, an unconscious attempt to protect Alex. She listens to Alex's extremely slow, but encouragingly steady breathing.

The streetlights cast soft glows along the street that glistens in the darkness. The rain pours down hard, but Olivia trudges forward. Finally she reaches the squad car and ambulance that Cragen called in. Elliot takes Alex from Olivia's arms, and gives her to the paramedic to get checked out. Olivia is close behind, refusing to let Alex out of her sight.

"Glad you found her, Liv," Cragen says as he pats Olivia on the back, "We were all worried about her. She's part of the family in our squad."

Olivia gives Cragen a nod, and goes back to watching Alex intently. Elliot can see the fear that weighs upon Olivia. Her face is taut with worry, the panic she hid from Alex finally showing through. Elliot puts an arm around Olivia, and is surprised when Olivia makes no move to shrug it off.

"Liv, it's going to be ok now. We found her. She's safe now," he whispers so low that only Olivia can hear him.

"Ya," Olivia says with a soft, slightly pained smile.

A paramedic signals for the two to head over to him. He uses the kind of low medical voice that reminds you of a parent making sure a child can't hear. "She'll be fine. She's got slight hypothermia, but it should be fine for you to take her home. Make sure you get her out of the wet clothing, get her to drink some warm liquids, and keep an eye on any abnormal breathing. Skin to skin contact is also good."

"Thank you so much," Olivia says with a sight of relief.

"Glad she's safe. Take care, officers," Replies the paramedic before he goes back to Alex. He helps Olivia and Elliot ease Alex into the backseat of the squad car. Cragen drives them home, with Elliot in the passenger, and Alex leaning against Olivia in the backseat. There is a feeling of safety in the car. Alex snuggles Olivia, while Olivia strokes her hair.

Once Olivia and Alex are safely in their apartment, the men bid their goodbyes and well wishes. Olivia locks the door and then goes to Alex, who is sprawled out on the couch. She gently begins to undress Alex. Olivia is struck by how the same actions can feel so very different… like the difference between undressing Alex in a moment of passion, and undressing her now. As she sheds Alex of the wet clothing, she kisses the skin she exposes. She helps Alex put on dry panties and a tank top. Then she quickly takes off all of clothing and puts on dry panties and a tank as well. She leads Alex to their bed and pulls several blankets over her. She takes the tea she made as soon as they got home and gives it Alex. She gets under the blankets too, cuddling Alex close. She kisses her neck, and whispers, "Love you always."

"Love you always," Alex murmurs as drifts off to sleep in the safely of Olivia's arms. Maybe tomorrow there'll be a time for words, but now there is just this. Happiness. Love. Liv.


	17. Chapter 17

**Author's Note:** I really am very, very sorry for how long this final chapter took. Thank you so much for your patience with the story. Cate.

* * *

Olivia watches Alex sleep from a chair by the window, and so far she hasn't heard any complaints from Alex. Alex is curled up in bed, the sun streaming down on her on this winter afternoon. She looks so amazingly beautiful, especially now that the happiness has returned to her face. A white kitten, Viv, is snuggled close to Alex. Viv was short for Vivre, "to live" in French, and the adorable closeness to "Liv". Olivia gave her to Alex, knowing she would help cheer Alex up. 

While watching the two of them sleep so peacefully, Olivia can imagine a future. A future that seemed impossible now seems like it could be tomorrow. A proposal… bended knee ring and all. A smile and a yes. All the guys in tuxes, even a playfully pissed Munch. A kiss that stops her heart for a second. Her arms around Alex every night, whispering, "You're so beautiful Alex. I love you… Love you always." And even though it's the millionth time she's said it, she means it every bit as much as the first time.

Her hand gripped tight, she murmurs, "I love you Alex, you can do it. Breathe." Her arms around an exhausted but happy Alex as she holds their newborn baby. A "wow" whispered when the baby smiles. Olivia kissing Alex and their daughter as their daughter as they put her to bed. Alex smiling as their daughter says her first word, " 'livia". Alex suppressing a laugh in a parent-teacher conference about their daughter cross-examining her teacher. Olivia whispering "You're so beautiful Alex. I love you… Love you always," on their 15th anniversary just like she has every night for 15 years.

Olivia can't help the smile and the tear on her face. She knows that everyday will be a fight for that future. And everyday she'll have to protect Alex, and yet let her be. And they will have to fight together against the darkness that they can't escape completely. But fight she will; because she knows no matter what, it's worth it. Because she loves Alex and Alex loves her. Always.


End file.
